Tagged: date

So you want to date my sister?

So you want to date my sister?
First up, this has no relation to my sister, or that boy that keeps showing up in her Instagram photos. Or any of my brothers who are hell bent on protecting our sister from teenage boy tomfoolery. No relation what so ever. Everyone in this blog is purely fictional. Please, if you think this is in relation to you, it’s not.

So, you’ve taken an interest in my sister?

That’s nice. So have others.

When you started showing up in my sister’s Instagram photos, I joked with her that I’d probably start checking the police database and googling your name, just to do some preliminary searches. You know, you can never be too careful, can you now?

So after joking that you might wake up next to a horse’s head, my sister told me that you could ‘easily’ beat me in a fight. Now, I expect that she’s right in that respect. Just to dispel any lingering doubt, we probably should go toe-to-toe. I’m usually a bareknuckle man, but we can use gloves if your hands are particularly dainty.

I need to mention that I’m on first name terms with police in every reporting district in SE Queensland and Northern New South Wales. For some reason, I thought you might like to know that.

Well boy, I expect you are quite nice. By the look of those Instagram pics, you certainly have kind and soft features. Let’s not beat around the bush – many gals these days enjoy the company of a ‘beta’ guy. Naturally, I’d prefer my sister to be keen on someone more masculine, but each to their own.

So if this relationship is meant to be, I expect we’ll be seeing a whole lot more of you. Of course, we will love to warmly welcome you into the family. I think I speak for my brothers that we are all looking forward to meeting you and getting to know you.

I’m sure my sister has mentioned it, but every year all the brothers like to go away for a fishing and camping week  – we’d love to extend an invitation to you. You can fish, can’t you? I could not see any evidence of fishing, hunting, camping, fire-making, drinking home brew or any other usual manly activities on your Instagram, facebook or snapchat messages that seemed to have made their way into my possession. I remember two years ago with the annual boys camping trip when we brought our sisters last boyfriend, Wayne. Gosh, he was a nice guy, but it’s a shame he left the camping trip mid-week and was never found again, not even by police or emergency services. I do hope Wayne turns up, he was such a nice guy.

Again, I do eagerly await getting to know you some more and spending some time with you.

Warmest regards,

Vidins

p.s. a word of advice – when you meet my sisters parents, please, for the love of God, dress up. A shirt, dress pants and highly polished shoes as an absolute minimum. Please come prepared with your resume, your parents last tax assessments and your fathers occupation and of course, yours and your parents birth certificates, if they have been issued in Australia or similar Commonwealth country (Canadian or British preferably) – I’m sure you’ll agree you don’t want to be dating ‘outside your own kind’!

Image from http://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/man-wearing-black-being-punched-high-res-stock-photography/92602509

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The bestest dating advice for teen-age boys (or the Lost Art of Making a Mixtape)

mix tape

OkCupid. EHarmony. AshleyMaddison. Tindr. Grindr. Adult Friend Finder. Match.com. Introduction agencies. Speed dating. Dating coaches. Dating advice websites. The Game. Swagger. That Will Smith movie.

All resources to help you in the dating market. All missing one crucial element.

Want to know how to catch the biggest fish in your pond? Want to get a second date? Want to impress? You know what you need? That’s right. You need to discover the lost art of makin’ a mixtape.

For all you young pups born after 1985, you won’t have any idea what I’m banging’ on about, and that’s one of the things that’s wrong with you people. So let me help you out. Forget inappropriate snap-chats. Forget illicit KIK conversations. Forget suggestive self-made pictures on the instagram. You want to impress a gal? Here’s what you need. You need to learn how to make a mix-tape.

Now I totally get that you probably don’t have an FM wireless set with built-in cassette recorder, so you’ll just have to use up your parents interweb downloads and some sort of USB device to relay the music electronically to your romantic interest.

‘So what is a mix-tape?‘ I hear you ask. A mix-tape is where you select a range of songs for your romantic interest and painstakingly record them onto your USB device for her listening pleasure.

‘But Vidins, how do I know what music to put on the mix-tape?‘. Good question, chaps. A rookie mistake of making a mix-tape is recording songs that are outside your understanding. So often I hear of teen-age boys making mix-tapes with rap music by coloureds or unusual tunes from the orient. Whilst there may be an exotic novelty to these aberrations in music, it will only serve to confuse your potential lady-friend. Beneath the beats and interesting harmonies, the lyrics often speak of promiscuity, drug-use and unwholesome thoughts. Chaps, you want your mix-tape to tell your gal that you are a wholesome, upright guy. Don’t select music that may lead her to believe you are interesting in mixing things that shouldn’t be mixed!

It is integral that you select music that conveys your romantic intentions, but are not too suggestive. Explore the catalogue of music that can be found on the You-tubes and perhaps consult your church music library for appropriate music for youngsters. You want to relay to your gal that you admire her many character traits and find her physically striking. Nothing impresses a gal more than the ability to convey ones intentions to a catchy ‘boom-chicka’ beat! Why, when I was of dating age and courting Mrs Vidins, I impressed her on a number of occasions with a mix-tape laden with the wholesome sounds of Johnny Cash and the Carter Family band. You might scoff, but the results speak for themselves – we have been married happily for many a moon now!

Pups, you have the distinct advantage of being able to legitimately and legally source ‘music files’ at the click of a button. Why, when I was your age, I had to wait up for the Country Music Countdown or Monday Night Melodies with a fresh cassette tape ready, just waiting for the right songs to record! It is quite a skill being able to pause the cassette tape recording just before the disk-jockey throws to a commercial advertisement or the next tune!

‘Vidins, tell us more!‘ Ok calm down you eager beavers! Here’s some things to consider:
– Don’t be scared to record a personalised message at the start of your mix-tape. Record a few words expressing your thoughts towards your gal. ‘But my voice is still breaking – it sounds embarrassing’ I hear you say. Boys, it’s time to man up. If your voice still has a squeaky shrill, ask your father or uncle for some of his chewing tobacco. I promise, after a week of chewing, you will have developed a well-rounded, deep and masculine voice that will literally send ripples through your gals eardrums, into her soul.
– Start with something catchy. No one wants to listen to dreary sounds at the start of a mix-tape. Think of a catchy tune that will get her hooked. I personally think something from KC and the Sunshine Band or, if you’re thinking instrumental, some of Glenn Miller’s post-war melodies are always a hit!
– Avoid anything too topical or popular. When the song fades from the pops, so will your gals affections for you. I’ve seen it a million times before.
– Always have a strong ending. Think of something she will enjoy listening to before bed-time. Something that will give her pleasant thoughts before resting! I’ve found a selection of romantic tunes from Simon & Garfunkel’s folk collection will often suffice in this department.
– A handwritten note (sprayed with an appropriate cologne) will always give your gal both a visual and olfactory cue to enhance the listening experience.

So there you have it chaps. So much ‘modern’ dating advice is salacious and inappropriate at best. Let me implore you to employ the mix-tape in your dating arsenal. I promise you it will bring results!

photo sourced from the interwebs here: http://www.theweeklymeat.com/the_weekly_meat/2014/01/mixtape-2013-2014.html

Disconnected!

disconnected

The phone was out of range.
There was no internet reception.
We only had each other.

We couldn’t instagram the bush tukka.
We couldn’t log into Facebook at check in with friends.
We couldn’t tweet about how amazing this place was.

We were….Disconnected!

Many people scoff when I tell them that I don’t have a phone. Well, I do have one. I share one with my wife. She has it Monday to Friday, I have it on Saturday while she’s at work. She uses it, I pay for it!

It seems that we’ve been so accustomed to sharing the ‘best bits’ of our life on social media. I’m not saying that’s good, bad or ugly. It’s just how we’ve become narcissistic in this social media age.

I truly believe that being disconnected is one of the best states we can be. When it’s just you and perhaps those around you that you love. When there’s no distractions. When you’re not tied to an electronic device that ejaculates inane crap 24/7. Don’t get me wrong – I’m quite partial to a bit of facebooking and my instagram addiction is well documented. What I’m saying is there is just something fantastic about being ‘off the radar’.

It’s hard to be disconnected in this day and age. When we are, it’s usually by technological malfunction rather than choice.

I want to know how you get ‘off the radar’, if you do. I’d love to know what you think about when you’ve got no facebook feed to check out or thought to post on twitter. When all you see is purely nature, and not a filtered photo on a small screen. Do you get scared about being disconnected? Do you relish in no one being able to contact you? No boss to ask about that project. No report to turn in. No phone calls to return. Nothing required of you, except to enjoy the moment.

How do you ‘disconnect’?

(yeah, I’m totally aware of the irony of asking about disconnection on social media, too!!)

Photo totally ripped from http://titaniumrunner.net/2011/09/disconnected/

Nautical Flags and Relationships – for the Ladies

Now a lot of my feminist readers (thanks Germaine) got all in a huff that the ladies didn’t have flags to wave in a relationship. My last post certainly saw a chorus of interesting opinions from both guy and gal.  So to keep the ladies included, I’ve  derived a set of equally usable and apt nautical flags that the ladies can use to communicate key thoughts, feelings, needs and emotions to their special gentleman friends.

You need to understand, however, that a guy will use a flag to communicate a simple, specific meaning. The ladies on the other hand – much more difficult. So I’ve tried to distil the ladyflags down to the key messages that I hope you gals would want to communicate to your gentleman lovers. I’ll still keep the original nautical code, for context.

So, here goes:

bravoBravo

Nautical code: I am taking in, discharging, or carrying dangerous cargo

Relationship code: This flag is aptly named, in nautical themes, the ‘red flag’. If a gal waves it to you, it means she’s, well, its that time. The dangerous cargo referred to could be anything from a kilo of chocolate to a box of tissues (deadly in the wrong hands)

Charlie

Nautical Code: “Yes” or “affirmative”.

Relationship code: When a gal waves the ‘Charlie’ flag, it usually means ‘yes’. But it might not. It could mean ‘I dare you too’. Or ‘Yes, but if you do, you can get used to the couch. So it’s a yes, but it often has certain, unstated (or unflagged) caveats.

Delta

Nautical Code: I am maneuvering with difficulty; keep clear

Relationship Code: I’m driving a manual, stay off the footpath

Foxtrot

Nautical Code: I am disabled; communicate with me.

Relationship Code: Something is wrong, but I don’t want you to fix it. I know you can fix it quickly, but that’s not the issue. I don’t want you to fix it. Yes I’m crying but it does not mean that anything is really that wrong, I just need to cry. I need to talk about it. For a long time. Shut up, I’m talking to you.

Golf

Nautical Code: I require a pilot.

Relationship Code: It did not look like this on the map. This is one of those times when I don’t just want to talk about it, I need you to help me find my way out of the city. Yes, that means come and get me.

Hotel

Nautical Code: I have a pilot on board.

Relationship Code: My mum is driving with me. We had a lovely chat and somehow ended up on the wrong side of the river.

India

Nautical Code: Coming alongside

Relationship Code: I just want to cuddle. That’s all. Absolutely all.

Juliet

Nautical Code: I am on fire and have dangerous cargo; keep clear.

Relationship Code: I’m moody and I don’t know why and everything you do is going to annoy me and my tummy feels sore and I just need chocolate and oh honey please give me a hug and geeze you are annoying me and why isn’t there any chocolate in the fridge and geeze no I don’t want to talk about it and I was saving that last cornetto for tonight and why do you have to be so annoying and ughhh! Can’t you just be quiet and watch Greys Anatomy with me but whip down and get some chocolate for me?

Kilo

Nautical Code: I wish to communicate with you.

Relationship Code: I want you to tell me what I told you, except in a deep, manly voice so my idea sounds good and rational.

Lima

Nautical Code: You should stop your vessel immediately

Relationship code: Why don’t guys ever ask for directions! You should have stopped at that service-station and asked for directions!

November

Nautical Code: No or negative

Relationship Code: Definitely no. Most definitely no. Don’t even dream about it.

Oscar

Nautical Code: Man overboard.

Relationship Code: If you do go out with your mates, don’t come home. Ever.

Tango

Nautical Code: Do not pass ahead of me

Relationship Code: What do you mean you will meet me at the restaurant? You are not going to pick me up from my house?

Uniform

Nautical Code: You are running into danger.

Relationship Code: You are WAY PAST running into danger. Danger was minutes ago. You are way past that point. Keep digging. (Often given with ‘the look’)

Victor

Nautical Code: I require assistance.

Relationship Code: There’s something creepy crawly in my room and you need to get it out. Yes I know it’s past midnight. Yes I know you are 20 minutes away.

Whiskey

Nautical Code: I require medical assistance.

Relationship Code: Don’t even think about coming over until you have brought chocolate.

X-Ray

Nautical Code: Stop carrying out your intentions and watch for my signals

Relationship Code: I’ll tell you when it’s time for ‘cuddles’ and no, it won’t be before the end of Downton Abbey.

Zulu

Nautical Code: I require a tug

Relationship Code: I’ve broken down and I don’t know how to change the tyre and I don’t want to call the autoclub cause the guys are creepy and strange and I don’t like them and they’ll be hours and can’t you just please come and change my tyre. Oh and bring me some chocolate?

So gals… Do you think it’ll take off, or should I start running?

Nautical Flags and Relationship advice for Men

You hear the term ‘communicate’ a lot when talking about healthy relationships. Communicate with your spouse. Communicate with your children. Communicate with your loved ones. Books, such as Robert Bolton’s timeless ‘People Skills’ is an excellent reference on the topic of communication.

Now I know I’m not the best at communicating – not in the spoken word anyway! So what is the modern tongue-tired guy to do, especially when engaged in conversation with his romantic partner?

He should use Nautical Flags.

Consider this. Why talk and use long words, when a simple flag would do the same job. When navigating the oceans of love, a man needs to send his partner clear, un-ambiguous signals on his thoughts and feelings. His needs, His desires.

Think about it.

Here’s some of the internationally recognised flags. See how they can apply to your relationship and really smooth things over in the communication department:

Bravo

 

Nautical Code:  I am taking in, discharging, or carrying dangerous cargo.

Relationship code: I’ve just eaten a kebab with garlic sauce and/or I’m about to drop a brown note.

 

Charlie.

 

Nautical Code: Yes.

Relationship Code: Says it all.

 

Delta.

 

Nautical Code: I am manoeuvring with difficulty; keep clear.

Relationship code: Don’t talk to me while I move this heavy object and/or build this IKEA flat-pack

 

Echo.

 

Nautical Code: I am directing my course starboard.

Relationship code: I’m taking a short-cut.

 

Foxtrot.

 

Nautical Code:  I am disabled; communicate with me.

Relationship code: I just need to hear your sweet, sweet voice, my love

 

Golf.

 

Nautical Code: I require a pilot.

Relationship code: Take me to bed

 

Hotel.

Nautical Code: I have a pilot on board.

Relationship code: I know where this night is headed (wink while waving this flag for extra effect)

 

India.

 

Nautical Code: Coming alongside.

Relationship code: I’m about to give you a ‘no expectations’ hug, just because I fancy you.

 

Juliet.

 

Nautical Code: I am on fire and have dangerous cargo. Keep clear.

Relationship code: I’m super angry, possibly at you. Leave me alone for a bit to calm down.

 

Lima.

 

Nautical Code: I wish to communicate with you.

Relationship code: I’m no longer waving the ‘Juliet’ flag and wish to resume waving other non-angry flags at you.

 

Mike.

 

Nautical Code: My vessel is stopped; making no way.

Relationship code: I don’t want to go to IKEA, nor do I want to mow the backyard.

 

November:

 

Nautical Code: No or negative.

Relationship code: No or negative.

 

Oscar.

 

Nautical Code: Man overboard.

Relationship code: Out with the boys. Don’t wait up for daddy.

 

Papa.

Nautical Code: All personnel return to ship; proceeding to sea.

Relationship code: Everyone up to the table. Dinner is ready (can be used for children, too)

 

Quebec.

Nautical Code: Ship meets health regulations; request clearance into port.

Relationship code: My man-flu has thankfully eased and I am no longer at risk of immediate death. Come over here and kiss me like you mean it.

 

Romeo.

 

Nautical Code: None.

Relationship code: I’ve got no ideas on what you should do in that situation (a response to when your special lady friend asks for advice)

 

Tango.

Nautical Code: Do not pass ahead of me.

Relationship code: I bags the toilet first when we get home.

 

Uniform.

Nautical Code: You are running into danger.

Relationship code: That’s really annoying me. Alternative meaning: concentrate on the road, honey.

 

Victor.

 

Nautical Code: I require assistance.

Relationship code: Can you please make me breakfast?

 

Whiskey.

Nautical Code:  I require medical assistance.

Relationship code: Man-flu ahead. Look after me.

 

Yankee.

 

Nautical Code:  I am dragging anchor.

Relationship code: This shopping trolley is heavy and I am board.

 

Zulu.

Nautical Code:  I require a tug.

Relationship code: hmmmmm

 

X-Ray

Nautical Code: Stop carrying out your intentions and watch for my signals

Relationship code: Please, please, just be quiet and listen.

 

 

Nautical Code:  Message is understood.

Relationship code: Yes dear.

After talking to some of the guys at work, it was evident that one flag was missing. One flag that almost every guy should have at his disposal. The one flag that will be hoisted often. The flag that gets hoisted when none other fits. That flag? The White Flag!

Best of luck, fellas!