Category: humour

Blogs not written by Vidins (but I probably could write)

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Checking in before you check out. A guide to retirement villages.

Harvey Bay. Heaven’s Waiting Room.

Last call for drinks – a hospital food service attendant tells all

1950’s. When ‘Darkie’ was an observation, not a criticism.

Open hand or wooden spoon? Your guide to modern parenting.

Spoonning. What do you do with that awkward boner?

Twitter, because there’s bound to be someone out there who’s interested in your inane, boring thoughts.

‘Cool post’ and other lies you write on Facebook

‘Hide relationship status’ – Zukerberg’s gift to cheaters.

You look 34 seconds older in this selfie, compared to the last selfie

I’m interested in all the blogs that you haven’t written, but really want to.

Pic from http://writingcenterunderground.wordpress.com/tag/typewriter/

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Open letter to the family after Grandpa’s birthday

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Dear Family,

It certainly was wonderful seeing you all at Grandpa’s 80th birthday on the weekend! I think we all agree that for the most part, it was a wonderful event!

I just needed, however, to apologise for the state I got Grandpa in. It was never my intention for him to drink that much and I honestly did not know he had already enjoyed some pre-party schooners at the bowls club beforehand.

Grandma, I’m sorry that in his inebriated state Grandpa relived the night you both met, or as he calls it, that ‘night of bliss’. Whilst he might have been quite handsome back in the day, he certainly is not a ‘silver fox’ these days.

You will all be glad to hear that we have found most of Grandpa’s war medals. How he threw them that far into the dam is anyone’s guess.

Needless to say, Grandpa is quite ashamed, as am I, about his shenanigans on Saturday night. I know he is quite embarrassed about saying those things about your ex-girlfriend, Jason, but I think we all agree that you were a putz for breaking up with her.

The good news is that the drink didn’t affect Grandpa’s warfarin and he didn’t wet the bed, like he did after Oktoberfest last year.

Thank you all again for making the night a success. I again apologise. If I had known Grandpa enjoyed those drinks before at the bowls club, I would have never gotten out the tequila.

Warmest regards,

Vidins

The Snip!

*disclaimer: this blog is an adaptation of some ‘advice’ I sent to a friend of mine. I remembered it whilst reading Sam de Brito’s blog about ‘the Snip’ ( http://www.smh.com.au/executive-style/culture/blogs/all-men-are-liars/the-snip-20120507-1y7rc.html ). So sit back and let all the good visual imagery come your way!

The Snip

This blog is for all the fella’s out there who have been considering the snip but have been too scared to ask about the ‘real deal’. Pictures in a brochure or webpage are ok, yeah, but how does that compare to ‘real world’ experience?

Really guys, there honestly is nothing  too it. . Yes, I got my boys chopped on Friday arvo. In an out in 40 minutes. Drove theer myself and drove home on my own.

But I really know you want more details. Too much information is going to come your way.

Oh I need to say that before the actual ‘deed’, you go in for a pre-check. That’s when said specialist with years of experience gives you a bit of a massage and makes sure you only have two testicles. You know that he has seen a million slugs before and they probably all look the same, but you really want to hear him say ‘great size to work with’. Regardless of what he says, gents, I’m sure your in the 99.9% of blokes that are ‘above adverage’ in that department. Oh and its not unusual to feel shamed, yet strangly aroused. Just flow with it.

Now I’m not about to ask about your ‘grooming’ preferances, but shaving your nuts is not half as erotic as it sounds. Now a word of warning. Your going to pay good money for a stranger with a whole bunch of university degrees to take to your nutsack with a scalple. Don’t steal their thunder by slipping with the old Bic two blade in the shower beforehand. Oh and a heads up, use a sharp razor and keep the skin taught. Oh and for kicks, leave the razor in the shower but don’t tell your special lady friend that you used it to give yourself a DIY manzillian. Yeah she’ll get annoyedoff, but its always good for a laugh. Leave a few short and curlys on all the razors in the shower for extra marks.

So back to the procedure. You’ve given old Mr Richard the royal treatment and had a shave. They will tell you to double jock, wear warm pants and socks. You have to keep your Johnson warm, cause it makes your balls drop. The last thing you want is cold, shrivvled figs that head into hiding.

So you are in the procedure room, on your back with your jocks down by your knees, balls as naked as the day you were born. The Dr comes in and asks if you brought your two bricks (so they can smash your nuts). After nervous laughter, the good Dr (god bless him) injects local into your nuts. No, it does not hurt as much as the nick you got in the shower from the bic two blade. After a bif of flicking and clamping, you realise that the local does actually work, for the most part. Yes, they do clamp part of your nuts. Now I just used to think that there was just one cord per testicle down there but there is not. Your lollybag is just full of nerves and veins and stuff and it can take a bit to actually find the vas (the tubes they actually cut). You may hear the Dr say some words your RE teacher would dissaprove of, but that’s just his way of saying that your nuts are infact special and unique. Oh you wont experience any of this if your under a general cause you’ll be out cold. I was in for a local, so I pretty much saw the whole thing (just tilt your head up and you can see the good Dr taking to your family heirlooms with all sorts of scalples, clamps and scizzors. I was certainly worried when he had to rip the last bit out with his teeth, not unlike you would tear meat from a bone. OK so that last part was a joke. But the scalples and clamps etc are the read deal. In one part of mine, he re-clamped an un-anethesised area. I tell you gents, that did not tickle.

He’ll probably tell you a few horror stories along the way.

So once the vas have been chopped out, they usually tie off the tubes and fuze the ends. Now that’s exactly what it sounds like. They take electodes to the tubes to fuze them. You get sparks and smoke and everything. Coming from your everlasting gobstoppers. Finally they stich up and your good as new.

Once finished, the Dr sits you down and tells you that you need to take ‘precautions’ for the next 12 weeks. Now I promise you, for about the first week, you wont even need to take precautions. It does not hurt, but Im sure you want to avoid any type of friction down there. Oh and he gives you a little jar to ‘spill’ off into and return at the 12 week mark. Yeah I was super uncomfortable about that, too.

All in all, if your worried about it, don’t be. A bit of panadol, neurofen and a bottle of your favorate vodka will reduce the awareness of any soreness.