ELECTION SPECIAL: IF QUEENSLAND POLITICAL PARTIES WERE YOUR FAMILY

Tomorrow, Queensland will decide on what group of highly educated, motivated, unimpeachable people will govern our state. There’s the incumbent LNP, the Labor Party, the Greens, Clive Palmer Party, Katter Party and One Nation.

So for the un-imitated (or the pundit who follows Queensland politics closely!), here’s what each party would be, if Queensland politics was one big happy family:

LNP

The LNP is like that conservative, boring dad. The one that has a spreadsheet on what money is coming in and what is going out. He likes to say ‘no’ a lot, unless of course it’s on a project that he really really really wants to do. Then he can use the family credit card to fund the really really cool thing (like a train line to a mine). There was a time when dad believed in libertarianism and small government, but that seems to have fallen by the wayside.

ALP

The ALP is like that really nice grandmother that hates her son’s financial prudency, but wants everyone (except her son) to be happy. She likes everyone to feel included and will go into crazy amounts of debt to make everyone feel that way. She will let everyone mow her lawn and pay them all lots of money, all from her own credit card that someone else will have to pay off. She tries to be hip and progressive, but really just bends to public opinion like grass in the wind. Grandmother used to really care about workers, but gays getting married seem to make loud, angry people happy, and grandmother does not like yelling (except at her son).

The Greens.

The Greens are like your cool university student cousin that has enough information to be dangerous, but not enough to be useful. Like grandmother, the Greens want everyone (except guys like dad) to be included. The Greens REALLY REALLY want to be liked and have really hip looking websites. They have no idea on how to make money, as they have been living off the goodness of their parents for the last 35 years. Oh, the Greens used to believe in the environment, but i-phones made in sweatshops, air-conditioning, and modern comforts are much more important than real environmental values.

Clive Palmer Party.

I can’t say anything bad about Uncle Clive, because he sues everyone who hurts his feelings.

Katter Party.

The Katter Party is like that old uncle from the country. He likes things the way they are, and hats. He smells kinda funny and does not take well to ‘city-folk’. Uncle Bob is friends with Uncle Clive, but not too friendly. Like, not Kings Cross friendly, country friendly. Not Brokeback Mountain friendly, either. Just, mates. That’s all. No funny business here.

One Nation Party.

One Nation is like that Aunty that says the first thing on her mind, which is usually something both funny and racist (but mostly racist). She’s got a list of things she does not like, such as darkies, a-rabs, Orientals and homos. Everyone just laughs off the jokes, even though half the family agree with the crazy Aunty (but will never admit it in polite company).

So the question is, Queensland, what family member are you going to vote for tomorrow?

Image from http://static.fairfaxrural.com.au/multimedia/images/crop/450×0/2109385.jpg

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