The Dentist.

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The Dentist. Two stories.

“Ten years since you’ve been to the dentist?” Dr Fang remarks. Yes, the nice dentist who looks younger than me is Dr Fang. By the way, he actually is a really cool guy and top dentist.
“Yeah, since before I was married” I smiled back
Nice Dr Fang proceeds to poke and prod in my mouth. It all seems quite routine. X-rays are taken and he types some notes onto a laptop computer. I think he’s also downloading Game of Thrones, too.

The assistant comes back with the X-Rays. They look at them together, saying some stuff in Chinese. They could be joking about Game of Thrones, or the state of my teeth. I hope it’s the former.

“So, what have you found” I ask, feigning confidence
Blah blah blah holes. Blah blah blah blah, wisdom teeth. Blah blah, Blah Blah blah. Extraction. Blah blah, health insurance”
So I answer, “yeah no problems”
Dr Fang looks like he’s won the lottery. He tells me he has perhaps 20 mins until his next appointment so he’ll try to get the job done nice and quickly. Something about fillings and not to worry about pain relief.

Well he stuffs my mouth with those, well, they kinda look like, well, you know what they look like. The crazy look comes over Dr Fang’s eyes as he pulls out the drill (see graphic above) and has a grind away.
Blah blah, big hole. Blah blah, pain relief?” I think he asks me
“I’m ok” I lie
(cue more drilling sounds, only punctuated by the words ‘suction’ to his assistant)

After spitting out about a litre of blood, I realise that I just got two fillings done. He’ll wait until doing the clean until after I get the other X-rays done to see how fubar by half-emerged and rotting wisdom teeth are.

“10 years since you last went to the dentist, you’ve just beaten the practice record of 8 years! Today’s treatment is totally free!” I think I smell reefer on his breath
“Score!” This visit suddenly got awesome, I thought
“Sit back for a few mins and open wide” Dr Fang tells me, in really broad Australian, even though he looks like he’s from Asia.
“Whoa” Dr Fang sounds like he’s either having flashbacks or the pingers he took over the weekend are still circling around his head “Your teeth are pretty messed up, man”
“Is it bad?”
“I’ve seen worse”
Dr Fang gets in real close. Yup, he definitely smells like reefer. Or happy gas. Or both.
“Listen, I could refer you to some hot-shot dentist who’ll charge you a stack, or, I could do it now, between appointments”
“Man, you seem like a top bloke. I’ll get it done now. It’s like waiting for your fish & chips to get cooked. Dentistry while-u-wait”
“Hey, we’re kinda out of analgesic, but old mate’s brought some cookies that make you forget you’re at the dentist”
“Any side effects?”
“They are?”
“Feeling awesome”
“I’ll take two”

Well the drill sounds like a nightclub, except with awesome music. I think Dr Fang is also a DJ and is mixing up tracks live as he drills my teeth. I’m pretty sure he’s got some sandpaper and Selly’s no more gaps. Either way, the treatment is free and he’s a rockin’ dentist.

Before I know it, he’s asking me to ‘rinse and spit’. Man alive, talk about all that blood down the drain! I coulda used that one day!

“So it turns out your left molars are half-baked and are falling apart from the inside. I can’t legally pull them out while you’re conscious, so I’m gonna have to refer you to a pro” Dr Fang says with a sigh
My eyes beg him to continue.
“I’m sorry Vidins, I just can’t” he says, wiping a tear off his cheek “But you can still visit me for regular check-ups and cleans” he sounds hopeful.

Reluctantly, I sit up. Dr Fang tells me I should avoid driving, operating heavy machinery and consuming very hot or very cold foods for the next week or so, cause my mouth might be a bit tender.

The post-menopausal Asian receptionist tells me something that sounds like English, then says ‘$65’. I sign some form. It could of been a patient release form, it could of been anything. I was just heartbroken that Dr Fang couldn’t pluck out my half-baked eroded wisdom teeth.

Against advice I think I drove home. Then I thought blogging would be a good idea. Word of advice. Friends don’t let friends blog when their mouth feels like Muhammad Ali has been sparing with your mouth.

Oh and the above picture is totally stolen from



  1. suzjones

    Hmmmmm sounds like an interesting trip to the dentist. I don’t go half as often as I should and when I do show up, my dentist rolls his eyes and says “Why didn’t you come BEFORE it became a problem”? lol Just as well he’s a good dentist.

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