The Beard

One does not need to look far these days to see that beards are in vogue for the modern gentleman. Even in the warmer climates of Queensland, it is not uncommon to see men of many demographic sporting a well quaffed facial mane.

Whilst this re-hashed trend might be popular, is it really all it’s cracked up to be? Why would the modern man want to sport such a style? These questions plague my mind.

Well respected social journals assert the greatness of beards, but is this public education or mere propaganda? I am convinced that the beard is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Even the briefest look at history shows that beards are associated with all sorts of crime and degradation. Our very own Ned Kelly flagrantly wore the beard. Karl Marx maintained a very wild facial mane. Che Guevara’s scruffy approach to shaving certainly shone out. And it’s not just criminal and communist figures that sport beards, although goodness knows that’s bad enough. Rouge boxer Kimbo Slice, bloodnut Mike Commodore and the entire World Series Boston Red Socks have all sported beards.

So I know what you are all thinking. A common link is happening here, for the most part. Karl. Che. Red Socks. That’s right. Beards are part of a communist takeover! Red Dawn Rising! These beards we are seeing in the corporate boardroom? Commies. Sports stars? Red sympathisers, properganderising our children.

To Queenslanders, our new Premier’s ‘anti-bike laws’ are proof enough that the presence of beards are enough to warrant attention from the boys in blue. Why any self-respecting man would like to look like a criminal, or a foreigner, or, as becoming increasingly common, foreigners that are criminals, is beyond me.

Some ladies will claim to find the beard attractive. Indeed, there is something alluring about a loveable rouge! Recent surveys from both Canada and Germany have found however that an overwhelming majority of ladies that are attracted to men with beards are from mixed-race origin or products of unwed parents. Do we really want these types of people breeding with the beards? Do we really want to propagate this flagrant disregard for the law? Do we really want the product of these unions infecting our schools, factories and electorates? I’ll let you, the learned reader to be the judge on that one.

It can be argued that it is a requirement for some men to sport beards. I concur. Fishermen in the Baring Seas, Siberian miners, truck drivers and male nurses (to visually distinguish from the homosexual male nurse) are all appropriate and proper reasons for men to sport a well maintained beard. These professions, however, are on the whole exceptions rather than rules.

So – the beard. Is it simply a hipster fashion statement, or a slide closer to degradation, lawlessness and international communism?

I’ll let you be the judge.




  1. paulfg

    I am roaring with laughter on the other side of the world! What a zany offbeat brilliant piece!! Thank you exercising my chuckle muscles! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  2. angelwanderer

    I think it’s an attempt to reestablish a masculine identity thru a tribal ritual. Look at the resurgence of tattoos… another one. In a busy world we tend to want reach for earthy roots to remind us we are organic and not senseless machines. – A

  3. Flamingo Dancer

    I protest! Mr FD, Son, Son in law and future Son in Law all sport neatly shaped beards, and we shall inherit the earth – hopefully over Campbell Newman’s dead body! No motor bikes, all well respected, tertiary educated social minded men… we are for Team Beards!

  4. MjDemery

    The beard is a way of life. I must say that with both humor and dignity. It’s hard to really fathom how, or why people who are actually of some notoriety would grow untrimmed foliage. People like Karl Marx, The Lumber Jack, and Bering Sea Fishermen, are all well oiled, fascinating and productive citizens. It sucks, that as we progress, the beard has accepted negative remarks. But I tell you this, A person who hates a beard is a person who can’t grow one. It’s a fact.

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