The toughest white guy in Brisbane.

Been listenin’ to a bit of rap music lately. You don’t know the half of the crazy stuff that goes through my brain when I’m rappin’ out to rap music. Check it. Here’s three everyday anecdotes demonstrating how nuts I can get.

WARNING: Some themes may offend.

**

Situation: On the train. Quiet carriage. Music might almost be loud enough for fellow commuters to hear. I probably have sunnies on.

What rap Vidins is saying and doing inside: I dare you to sit next to me, you fare-paying fellow commuter. Don’t make me move closer to the window. I’m listnin’ to rap music. I totes give the fat businessman the ‘don’t sit next to me look’. I imagine I’m packin’ heat. I could do something crazy.

What Vidins actually does: I smile politely with my bag on my lap, smile as the overweight business man sits next to me and probably turn down my music.

**

Situation: In Just Jeans, scoping out a new pair of chinos, or perhaps a nice button-down shirt, getting totally snobbed by the sales clerk.

What rap Vidins is saying and doing inside: Yo. Serve me, salez clerk. I got’s me some serious cash to spend on your buy one get the next for half price sale. I’ll tots go to Jeans West if you don’t come over and serve me. I’ve been listenin’ to rap music. I could totally just walk out of here and shop at Culture Kings.

What Vidins actually does: I tell the sales clerk that I’m happy to wait. I apologise for not realising that this nice pair of chinos isn’t part of their buy one get the next for half price sale. I take the size 35 even though I’m a size 36, but the nice sales clerk says they can order it in but they’ll have to order it in from a suburban suburb and it’s all a hassle. I laugh it off, justifying my purchase in the hope that either the pants will stretch or I’ll lose weight, knowing neither will happen.

**

Situation: At home, after a mildly busy day at work. The Mrs has been with the kids all day. It’s totally bed time for the kids, the dishes need doing and the rubbish needs takin’ out.

What rap Vidins is saying and doing on the inside: Word, woman. That ain’t my job. I bring in the bacon, you cook it. The kids can totes put themselves to bed and the bin ain’t even half full. I’m not wastin’ a whole new bin liner when the other one isn’t full. Dishes? Woman, please. I need these delicate fingers to do my typin’ in the office.

What Vidins does: Better put the kids to bed, plus, it’s heaps nice reading them stories. Dishes? Of course darling, you’ve had a hard day, plus, if I do it I totally might get some tonight. Yeah, I’m onto the bin, commenting that it is a little stinky, even in those lemon-centred bin liners. It must of been the yoghurt that the kids didn’t finish this morning.

**

So, as you can tell, I’m pretty much a lose cannon. I’m outta control. Don’t cross me, g, or you’ll tots face the consequences. I’ve been listening to rap music.

** my mum and grandparents read this blog, so I totally couldn’t write words like xxxxxxxx, or drop any swears, cause I totally get ragged on when I do. But you have to admit, the rap voice does lend itself to cuss words and sass talk.

 

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7 comments

  1. Danger Puppy

    Going through and reading some of your posts. Can’t tell you how happy I am that you are as “street” in your head as I am in mine. Almost spat my morning coffee when you said, “Word, woman.” Danger Puppy highly approves of this post!

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