I take the whole fatherhood business pretty seriously. I have read volumes of books by all the important figures in the biz and am pretty much an expert in the whole shebang. I have realised, however, that these so called ‘experts’ fail to address the real issues. Yeah they talk about discipline, love, affection, boundaries and all that stuff. So this blig will be addressing all those areas not covered in popular parenting literature.
Strap yourselves in. Vidins is here with some block-rockin’ advice.
The ‘three second rule’. You know the one – you drop a chip or something falls off your plate at a party. You pick it up quickly and declare the ‘three second rule’ and proceed to eat the dropped food. Well as a parent, forget that rule. It just does not exist. If it is even remotely edible, there is no statute of limitations to its consumability. That’s right. For your children, there is no time limit in the eating of dropped (or ‘non-sanctioned storage’) of foodstuffs. The biscuit you find next to the hairbrush and the $2 coin behind the couch? Edible. So is the biscuit. Those chips that have been dropped in the car and are recovered a week later whilst the kids help clean the car? Perfectly legitimate snacks. The sultanas that have dropped off the bench and have fallen under the fridge, next to the cockroach bait? Well the cockies didn’t take advantage of them so they are your kids, for the taking! Trust me dads, if you see your kids eating these aged treats, fear not. So long as mum does not find out and/or you have to explain why your child is vomiting to a doctor / child services, you are home and hosed!
Child cleaning. It is a scientific fact that in the absence of any real cleaning products / hand wipes / clean water, sucking chocolate / yoghurt / snot off your children’s sticky fingers is proven to clean them as good as, if not better than any product you can buy in the shops. The anti-bacterial agent found on the leg of your unwashed jeans has been proven time after time to give extra effective sanitisation to recently sucked fingers.
On the topic of cleaning, if your children have had a swim in the pool / beach / river upto 4 hours before bed, they are technically clean and there is no need for any further bathing.
Whilst they have been proven to clean cars, pavers and high-chairs, you should avoid using your Gerni to clean children, even from a safe 2m distance.
Bunnings is a legitimate source of childminding. You can spend at least two hours at Bunnings and your children will love you for it. You see, Bunnings is not a shop. It is an adventure. And the most you will spend is around $10 for 3 sausage sizzles, one with onions, the rest with tomato sauce. Things your children will LOVE at Bunnings is:
-The little trolleys – the children sized ones. Your children will love to walk around the aisles with their trolleys. Surprisingly, they will point things out to you that you never knew existed but can’t believe you don’t have and suddenly need. Yes, you do need a packet of 30 AAA batteries, because you don’t know when the ones in your TV remote will run out. A herb seedling kit? Why not! It is a great way to teach the kids about planting stuff, and think of the money you will save not buying herbs at Woolworths. A BBQ cleaning kit – how did you survive without one??
-The ride on mowers. Trust me dads. There is nothing more exciting for a child then to sit on a real life mini-tractor. The good news is they will not want to leave, except for going to the Bunnings playground.
-Whats that – you didn’t hear? Yes, most modern Bunnings have a playground with a latching gate. Lock them in there and you have at least 30 minutes of quiet time.
-Hungry? Dont worry, Bunnings have that covered – at least on the weekend. Not only will your children enjoy an nutritious sausage sizzle, you will be happy knowing that you have contributed to the excellent work of the Underwood under-9 mixed field hockey team.
Cricket. Your children love cricket, they just don’t know it yet. Encourage your children to watch it with you ALL summer long. They will cherish the memories of endless summers watching this beloved sport.
Branding. I can not understand why this is not ‘in vogue’ in modern parenting books. But an easy to read brand ‘If I am found, I am lost. Please call Vidins on 0413 xxx xxx’ on the child’s forearm or thigh not only proves paternity, it also makes the job of the friendly stranger who inevitably finds your child wondering, lost around Bunnings easier, when trying to match your child with you. You may also want to consider including any allergies on said brand. Yes it hurts like hell, but it gives you at least 6 months insurance in the likely event of losing your child.
Dads, I hope this advice, unorthodox as it is, has given you some real practical advice on raising your younglings! More advice, as it comes to hand.